I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
