Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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