go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
