Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
