Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
