fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
