would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
