Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
