Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
