Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
