My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
