dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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