I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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