I can text with my tongue
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
