Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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