I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
