My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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