how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
