Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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