i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
