wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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