If i come over, it means nothing
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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