Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
