...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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