Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
