the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
