I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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