she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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