fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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