The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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