you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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