Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
