I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
