Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
