I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
