Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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