anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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