Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
