Got a toothbrush?
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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