I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
