I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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