yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My ass is underappreciated
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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