seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you traded sex for a burrito?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
