Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
