So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
