Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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