so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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