she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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