If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
