Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
